TRAVIS’ Technology Pages

We let our technology guy dig up some more unthinkable tools of the future. We don’t know how he finds out about all these things, but we would like to keep it that way, really.

Bullet-Dodging Armor

Click to view print version of Technology.

Click to view print version of Technology.

Multinational computer mogul, IBM has been working on a new technology that could quite possibly turn everyone into The Matrix’s Neo. The “Bionic Body Armor” senses any incoming objects or projectiles, and delivers a sharp jolt to the muscles’ nerves to get your body to move out of harms way. They hope to apply this technology to prevent assassinations of high-profile targets such as presidents, pacifists and Popes. We’re thinking this could be used to turn baseball into a sport worth watching. We’ll see you at the 2018 Bulletball playoffs. Bring gauze.

Electronic Hand Grenades

The U.S. Army’s Electronic Warfare Division is seeking to outfit ground troops with its new Electromagnetic Pulse Grenades. Unlike regular, explosive, get-that-thing-away-from-me grenades, these have the specialized task of taking out all electronic devices within a hundred-yard radius, making them ideal for taking out enemy communications centres without all the mess of gunfire and shrapnel. On a smaller scale, this technology could likely be used to target individual illegal computer operations, giving the law enforcement an edge in the war on cyber-terrorism. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be right back after I go delete some stuff.

Omnidirectional Treadmill

No, we’re not trying to get you to exercise in new magnificent ways, so take a deep breath. The omnidirectional treadmill (ODT) is much like its unidirectional counterpart, but lets you move left, right and even diagonally. What makes it more than just another addition to a long line of equipment in your basement is its application in the virtual reality field. Combined with last month’s holographic light field display, you can have yourself a bona fide Star Trek holodeck to live out your wildest, eeriest fantasies. Just don’t make us watch, please.

Headbang Hero

It’s the one peripheral Rock Band forgot to include. Independent developer, Tiago Martins has created a wig that registers any motions you may make, such as violently jerking back and forth to the tectonic beats of Santigold. He has also created a Guitar Hero-esque game to test this bad boy on. I wouldn’t want to deal with the monstrous headache that could result from a head-banging marathon though. Inventions like this make us wonder what is next in the line of rhythm games. Groupie Hero? Master of the Mosh-Pit? Make-up Minute with Twisted Sister? I’ll be right back after I go knock on wood.

Harnessing the Power of Potholes

Students at MIT have done it again with their latest and most shocking creation to date. The “Genshock” shock absorbers can be built into vehicles to generate energy whenever the car or truck encounters a bump in the road. So whenever your car goes over a speed bump or hits that gigantic pothole for the seventeenth (insert swearword) time, you’ll be saving fuel, and in the long run, saving money. The larger the vehicle, the more energy you generate with this device, so now no one can laugh at you for driving your Hummer/18-wheeler to work. With technology like this, I could live with my roads looking like Swiss cheese.

text by andrewterefenko

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