Travis Reviews Twilight; It Sucks

Last night was five dollar movie night. Everyone in the world except me had seen this movie, so here it is, in all its glory.

I have problems with this film for many reasons, walk with me.

The film is frightening not because it has oodles of vampires and werewolves, but because of the lasting impression it’s going to leave on the tween girl population.

Lets start with Bella. Her character is frustrating to me. She looks normal, but once she is dumped by her vampire boyfriend she starts screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night and going on adrenaline quests.

What are you teaching your impressionable audience? Your a damn drama queen and you know it, chill out.

She also admits love to two boys in the span of 45-minutes, and attempting suicide.

All these dumb girls watching are going to go home after this film and be over-dramatic queen bee’s.

They will dump their boyfriends for the freaky emo-kid in the corner of the classroom, who is writing poetry telling their new boyfriend they love them within days of meeting.

Then they’ll only kiss, never trying on the shoe before buying; thus leaving the ladies tingly with excitement. These girls will then use suicide as a tool to control their love interests, how cute.

Bella did it, it must be OK.

Next she starts swindling this werewolf guy into spending hours repairing old motorcycles; who by the way is chiseled out of stone and runs around shirtless in the forest with his other werewolf brothers. I think this is gay, I don’t know about you.

So Bella, who isn’t even that hot I might add; leads the poor guy on, and then out of complete coincidence he is actually a werewolf.

Oh dear, get this, so now a vampire, and a werewolf have feelings for this one girl. Wow, the epic war of bloodsuckers and vicious animals comes to a head with this one simple girl.

How romantic.

There are plenty of moments in the movie where girls in the audience go “mmmmm.” Maybe when Bella kisses vampire-boy, or when Bella smacks her head off a rock and wolf-man tears off his shirt to clean her blood. That stuff is just awkward. It’s romance porn, it grosses me out.

I must mention I did rest my eyes for a bit during the movie. There is so much dialogue that if you aren’t 16, you will get bored.

Also nothing really happened in the movie. It didn’t really progress the storyline all that much. The girl didn’t even turn into a vampire which I was predicting  would happen.

You have to be either drunk, or moist with excitement to moderately enjoy this movie. I did laugh, but at all the parts which were intended to be slow and romantic.

Edward Cullen; stop wearing lipstick, wolf-man lay off the ‘roids, and Bella; you already have a vampire and wolf willing to die for you, can’t you crack a smile?

The young and dumb audience is going to love this, I just feel bad for all the high-school boys that have to step up to impress the ladies. Maybe take some steroids boys, maybe you should be immortal, ever think of that?

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    • Anonymous
    • November 25th, 2009

    Brilliant. Eat that vampire-lovers.

  1. That was money and I haven’t even seen the first Twilight and know it’s moist lol

    • Anonymous
    • December 1st, 2009

    That was the worst review I’ve ever read.

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