Canada 5, U.S. 6: Blame Obama

So, hockey’s junior world cup ended with a defeat for Canada, but a victory for the United States. Who to blame for this massacre of Canadian morale? This stunning paralysis to Canada’s very heart?

You said it, Obama. He gave them Hope, damnit. I can see the pump-up pep speech now before going into overtime.

“Listen, comrades,” he would begin, casually, monotone, oozing with gravitas. “We Americans have had many struggles before. Hell, we are currently screwed in Iraq and Afghanistan. But I made a promise to you and the country last January to close Guantanamo. Well, it looks like we can’t keep that promise,” says Obama, briefly pausing, closing eyes before dramatically opening them, tears developing in the corners of his eyes.

“This is why I need you now. Your country needs you. Let’s squash the hapless Canadians at their national pastime. Let’s tell the world three words. Yes. We. Can.”

“Now get out there, and do what you do. Be Americans. This is the Change that we have been waiting for. To debunk the Canadians of making history with six consecutive world cups. On three. One. Two. Three:”

“Yes. We. Can.” U.S. team then goes out and scores in sudden death.

Hey, Obama. Screw you. Probably the only time I will write that, but nevertheless.

You have hurt me. Deeply.

–R.B.

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