A Man’s Take on Twilight:Eclipse

I saw Twilight:Eclipse tonight. It was not my choice, but it is my duty to take in as much pop culture as I can handle and try to make some sense of it.

It was entertaining for the most part. There were some boring parts where they talked about love and crap like that.

I’m not sure if Stephanie Meyer built her characters around people she knew but if so, these people are pretty volatile. The characters all seem to have some deep-seated issues to sort through before pursuing anyone romantically. Not to mention they are amped up with super powers and some serious cliches.

One thing about Twilight though, it does make fun of itself. Which is necessary in a market like this. There’s many parents and boyfriends that will wind up seeing Twilight against their will. At least we can breathe a sigh of relief that we managed to dodge the Sex and The City 2 bullet. The film manages to slip in some “outside” jokes that lighten the overly dramatic-14-year-old-girl tone of the movie. It is, essentially, a love story written by and for someone who likely has not experienced any sort of healthy love.

Here’s my quick analysis of what Twilight says about society…

Jacob and Edward battle over Bella for some unknown reason. I always thought her mouth kind of looks like it’s upside down, but she got marginally better looking in this movie. Fame and money does that to a celebrity I guess. Look at Hermione/Emma Watson. Oh, Dakota Fanning is somewhere in the cast and she looks decent for an 16 year old. And I hope Alice Cullen gets her own spin-off movie because she is the best looking actor in the entire film.

Anyway, Jacob and Edward both have a thing for Bella who has a thing for BOTH of them, and makes out repeatedly with both of them. I hope children don’t see this and think that’s appropriate behaviour. If I caught my girlfriend making out with some dude who never wears a shirt, I’d probably not be so forgiving.

At one point, the trio are in a tent on a mountain, and surprise, Jacobs not wearing a shirt and it is SNOWING. Bella is fully-clothed in a sleeping bag, and Jacob is just chilling outside in some cut off jean shorts, literally chilling. The dude wears one shirt in the entire film. I know it’s the big thing but seriously, if I wrote a movie where the main female was always in a bikini, people would question my film-making ability. So Edward being a vampire can’t provide body heat to his girlfriend, and Jacob offers to get into the sleeping bag to warm her. Jacob grudgingly allows it but it’s still awkward. If I was Edward I’d’ve made that muscly horn dog put on a damn shirt. Even my shirt.

It’s such an awkward moment. Bella admits to loving both of them (ahem…), this is just as messed up with the bachelor.

If modern film and television have taught me anything, it’s that you can have multiple love interests and not face any penalty (minus herpes). This is what society is exposing every 14-18 year old with. Polygamy, and I thought we as a people were against all those dudes with all those wives. It’s all in how you put it, you just say your “friends” and everything is cool. Wives, not so cool.

Not that any of these characters are psychologically sound individuals. Bella clearly is suffering from low self-esteem to allow these two guys to fight over her constantly and never making a full decision. Plus she’s still in high school, how can one decide they want to die and marry a vampire to live forever with when they still haven’t passed algebra? What if she becomes a vampire and figures out that 1000 year old Edward Cullen actually picks up a different 18 year old every 3 years for the last 980 years? True love might fall a little by the wayside. But if Bella was a real girl, I would stay far away from her.

Jacob is quick to anger and overly forceful. In the scene where he forces Bella to kiss him, this should have set off some alarms. This dude who never wears a shirt is forceful and obsessive. Bella already said she’s down with getting some vampire loving, can’t he do like everyone else and move on? Alice Cullen is way better looking! Not to mention, this quick temper might be the result of some serious roids. Perhaps Jacob never wears a shirt because he’s always overheating from too many hormones. Long-term, Jacob in twenty years will be an angry trucker with a penchant for barfights and the sound of glass breaking. Probably somewhere along the Jersey Shore.

Edward is kind of a wuss. He lets shirtless Jacob constantly take his girlfriend out, make out with her, and then still be okay with kissing Bella. And the tent scene, seriously?! Seriously?! To all the 14-year-olds out there: no one will ever be cool with you cuddling in a sleeping bag with a shirtless love interest while your significant other watches. Edward allows it though. Also obsessive and possibly sexually frustrated. Bella just wants to get her teenage sexuality out in the open before she heads to college, but Edward refuses. He’s 1000 years old and a virgin? Either he’s lying or he needs to talk to a psychiatrist. Maybe the lie doesn’t have to be super convincing because of Bella’s age.

Edward’s excuse is pretty dorky, “He might kill her,”… (cough) overcompensation (cough). Just saying.

Lastly, even though Ed know Bella is getting her groove on with no-shirt mcgee, he still asks to marry her. If she can’t keep her raging hormones under control now who knows how she’ll be when she hits her 20s and 30s, or her 100s if she becomes a vampire. It’s a recipe for disaster and I don’t like it one bit.

I thought the movie was entertaining, and it gave me lots to think about, not as rough as I’d expected it to be. If they cut out the cliched high school lovers dialogue it might be more palatable.

Bryan

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    • Jenn
    • July 22nd, 2010

    This is probably an awesome blog. I started reading it, but I had to stop mid-way in fear of the entire movie being revealed to me. I knew to close the browser window as soon as I found out that Bella makes out with BOTH Jacob and Edward. Gasp.

    I need to see this movie now. I think I shall watch it tonight…

    Once I have done that, I will return to this hilarious, although spoiler-filled, blog.

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