Jay Leno vs Conan

Written By: Chris D’Alessandro

Jay Leno is not funny.

Now, I didn’t really weigh in on the Leno vs. Conan thing last year because honestly, I didn’t care who the host of “The Tonight Show” was. I didn’t grow up with it. I grew up with lots of different late night talk shows with lots of different hosts and while Conan was my favourite, I would usually just pick the show with the best guests that night. The jokes are all super lame no matter which show you’re watching so it was just pick your poison and enjoy your hack. This was why I really couldn’t understand the huge fuss about getting to host “The Tonight Show”. People tried to explain to me the significance of the show and the importance of the time slot but it didn’t matter to me; I never even watched “The Tonight Show” at night anyway, I usually caught a rerun the following afternoon.  I was fairly bummed out to not see Conan O’Brian on TV anymore, but now I understand what the real fuss was all about. It was because Jay Leno is not funny.

He isn’t. Seriously. There was a reason his show (cleverly deemed “The Jay Leno Show”) tanked like it did. Nobody with a brain wanted to watch “The Jay Leno Show” because it wasn’t funny. If you screw up your own show, you do not get to host “The Tonight Show”, especially after you were already booted off. I can literally watch his monologues with a straight face, he ripped off ‘Jay-walking’ from Howard Stern and ‘headlines’ are spelling errors not jokes.  Worst of all the most interesting guests they’ve had on in the last year have been the cast members of” Jersey Shore” which are, of course, not interesting in the slightest. Those people may be entertaining on a reality TV show, but they have literally nothing of even mild interest to talk about.

There is absolutely no reason for Jay Leno to be on TV. Besides not being funny, he was the host of “The Tonight Show” for 17 years, second in number of episodes only to Johnny Carson, that’s a pretty good run wouldn’t you say? He’s also famous for his enormous collection of cars. The man has literally catalogued automotive history in its entirety and to me that is far more significant to human history than talking to celebrities. There is no reason he couldn’t just take his retirement to curate his personal museum. It would have been perfectly respectable and dignified, but nope, got to make some jokes about Lady Gaga.

Just how long does he plan on doing this gig anyway? How long does he plan on torturing audiences with uncreative humour?  In 50 years will we just be watching the head of Jay Leno in a jar do horrible monologues? Or maybe, he’ll use his mechanical know-how to create a robot version of himself to take over the show after he dies. Then we’ll have to watch Robo-Jay interview guests with even less personality than he has like the gene-spliced Jersey Shore super-clone (which features highlighted spiky hair, huge biceps, fake breasts, ripped up abs and is of course  super tan).  It’ll be mind-boggling to try and figure out how Robo-Jay defeated Robo-Conan in a cyborg battle despite being technologically inferior (maybe Robo-Conan suffered from planned obsolescence). Oh, the future of comedy looks bright!


Chris (Team Conan) D’Alessandro

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