Why We Cheat: The 80/20 Rule
More than 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce these days. That’s outlandish and just sad. A main element of the divorce rate is cheating. Here’s a pragmatic reason why. And why most of the time it’s sexual.
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Relationships are tricky buggers. It is easy at first with all the excitement of the chase, the mystery surrounding your love interest and the escalating sexual tensions. But after a couple of weeks, months or years you might find that your relationship has stage dived and you begin to question if the end-all cliché applies: Are they the one? But before your eyes wander too much, think about the 80/20 Rule and see if your relationship is measuring up.
The 80/20 Rule is simple. In a healthy relationship, you get about 80 per cent of what you need/want from your partner. They are caring, respectful and share a lot of the same interests as you, but then you meet someone who catches your attention for an unknown reason. It may well be because they fulfill the missing 20 per cent in your relationship – namely the sexual component. Because that 20 per cent has been missing for so long, you quickly conclude, “Hey, this person has everything I am looking for in a partner.” This can be a relationship killer. Since you jump genitals-first for this new interest, you may have given up your 80 per cent loving partner for a 20 per cent fling. The regret automatically sets in.
During the good times in a loving relationship, the other 20 per cent doesn’t really matter because you don’t notice it missing. You are content and fulfilled with your partner. Your 80 per cent feels like 100 per cent. When you are in an argument, however, because your partner is too messy or something petty, then the 20 per cent is tossed into the limelight.
This isn’t to say that you should stick with the current, thankless partner. You might only be getting the 20 per cent in the relationship, anyway. In this case, if you are truly miserable, maybe you should shop around. The point is to look at your relationship and really question if something substantial is missing. If this is the case and you feel unsatisfied, then move on and find someone who can offer you more. Remember, a key element to any relationship is honesty – not just to your partner, but yourself.
The 80/20 Rule explains some of the mysteries of relationships. It makes sense why cheaters go after the 20 per cent while trying to hold on to the other 80 per cent. The relationship crush (when you are in a loving relationship but have a crush on the local barista) often manifests because you see the other 20 per cent in the crush. And even the “players,” who jump from one 20 per cent adventure to another in a vain attempt to eventually equal 100.
If your relationship is going through a rough patch, think about the 80/20 Rule. Before switching partners, be careful since you might be giving up more than you think. First look at what you have instead of focusing on what is missing. Just remember, don’t throw away a good thing for a piece of new ass. We don’t need the divorce rate to inflate anymore.
text by JON KENNEDY
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A version of this article originally appeared in February’s Sex Issue.
There is no logical explanation for why people actually cheat other than personal failure. People try and make themselves feel better by making excuses and then trying to explain them in a logical sense. We INTJ’s are the only truly logical thinkers in the history of the world… and I say it is illogical. Excuses are excuses, nothing more and nothing less.
Having recently suffered (and still suffering) from a horrendous betrayal in which my ex of over a decade chose to describe all the ways in which I was lacking as a way to excuse his abhorrent behavior (cheating AND planning a pregnancy with another woman whilst still living and sleeping with me!) I agree with the post above by Hackett – there truly is no logical explanation for my former partner’s cheating other than personal failure – his own (and his family who knew and condoned it.) The woman he cheated with and is now trapped by is poorly educated, has several children with several different men (5 by last count) and is steadily draining his back accounts, her unsuitability has cost him dearly professionally and his colleagues constantly wonder if he’s lost his mind. I think it’s fairly obvious his 20% is costing him 100% – karma, it’s something huh?
Interesting theory and probably 100% true. In most cases the 20% is hardly worth losing 80%. I know a few married couples who thought the grass was greener elsewhere…but how about an article on the nature of monogamy? I think humans were not meant to be monogamous. It is something that has been instilled upon us by Religious institutions and society as a means of disease control.
There is not one reason why people cheat. The 80/20 rule can help people realize looking at someone else may be an allusion caused by not realizing what they already have. The bottom line cheating is just that. You are not playing by fair rules. Moreover, everyone looses. You can come back to win if you have been cheated on. However, the road to victory can take time.
Hackett, you lost all credibility with your condescending Meyers Briggs personality hubris. Mastermindness aside, people cheat because they are human. People make mistakes. Has nothing to do with personal failure. For a man, i think its the innnate desire to hunt. Sounds rudimentary but no one expects to be caught. The desire to satisfy one’s sexual urges sometimes is greater than the moral will to stay course.
Regarding the 80/20 rule I feel that it has nothing to do with a man’s failure. A man cheats due to not receiving something at home. Whether it is companionship, love, attention or sex. There’s something lacking and he will seek elsewhere to get it. Women fail to realize that all of those things you did to get this man you have to continue to do those things as well. Once a man feels as if he is neglected problems will arise in the relationship.
But for those men who already have a wonderful relationship and still cheats, perhaps he is getting the 7 year itch. I guess he is only meant to remain faithful for a certain amount of time.
Oh please give me a break brown sugar! Are you kidding me??? What about the men? Everyone gets comfy in a long term relationship. The fact of the matter is, is that it takes an effort on both sides to keep the fires burning.
My ex-husband gained 80 pounds after we moved in together! I gained a mere 8! And for the record, no matter what effort I put forward he was not interested.
Now I have an Italian husband and after 8 years together we still know how to rock the sheets just fine!
my boyfriend explained this to me yesterday and I didn’t quite get it. I just thought he was trying to get more from me than what I wanted to give. but after reading this it makes sense. I’m not saying that I’m going straight to bed with him as soon as I see him but it helped get an insight on it and how sometimes may not even be to just get action but to connect further. great article by the way.
I agree with the lot of you. You can all be correct if you really think about it, all scenarios are highly possible as we are variably imperfect. Our wants are often confused with our needs and some of us if not many of us seek the comfort found in our addiction to our wants.
I am definitely 80+…I love my wife, but for the last 13 years she just doesn’t seem to get that I need HER to initiate foreplay or fondling…it let’s me know that she has interest in me and that alone makes me feel very satisfied. She has only come on to me 3 or 4 times in the last 13 years…I know she loves me, we both love each other, but I need that supplemental attention. Because I wasn’t getting it, I started to drink/party more often, hang out with female friends, flirt with them…THOUGH, nothing ever happened, in my eyes it was just too close for comfort, my wife needed to be more attentive to me, AT LEAST as attentive as I have always been.
Now, I’ve acquired the taste for flirting with women, when I fully remember not even looking at other women early in our relationship!
I always offer to her delight, but she doesn’t cater to my needs…and they are always reasonable.
We are all prone to cheating, it’s how we throw a fit and eat our cake too as adults.
Nobody should claim to be “holier-than-though”.
It still doesn’t justify the fact of cheating. You can always stop it before it happens. The 80/20 rule isn’t an excuse.
This was an amazing explaination of the 80/20 rule! I am so behind this rule all the way!
@lmarmstrong66
Seriously?…because monogamy wasn’t practiced, disease came about…check out the history of disease explosion. Humans weren’t meant to be monogamous? I’d settle for that if I wanted to bang every chick I came in contact with, however, I think that’s just another way of getting around our lack of self-control and surrending ourselves to what our body craves, whether it’s animal meat or human flesh. There comes a point in which we have to separate ourselves from animals unless you believe that is what we are, then “just hit it and quit it”.
To cheat or not to cheat? In all honesty it is not much of a question. In my opinion there is no reason what so ever to cheat. Hell if your thinking of cheating and your that unhappy with the way things are going , just man up or women up and leave. Why put the other person threw pain they dont deserve? Cheating in my opinion is a lack of pride. Not in the person your with , but in your self!!!!!!!!
I really dont think the 80/20 rule is an excuse at all…and in this article it shouldnt have been explained as one….More or less when i first heard of it, it was mentioned to be a conscience reminder. To think about and appreciate what you have before you go after something that isnt worth it…If you really love something and cant get enough how much would you rather have? 80% or 20%?? Exactly….No excuses there, just common sense..
@wildchild2874
very well said!
Well i think ppl cheat because of insecurities within a relationship, i cheated in the past bcoz of control..
If i wasnt in control of the relationship & if some1 was telling me what to do then i’d cheat.. to kind of de-stress
great article man! i found out recently that 80 + 20 = 100 too! that owns! OOOOOOWWWWNNNNNNNSSSS! when you break ultra-complex things like human relationships down into 80 + 20 (or 80 – 20! HA! NO WAY!) you really understand them much better! I wish i was good at math like you! OWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSS!
it owns… just to be clear.
well let me just say i am a maaried father of 2 married 5 years with my partnetr fr almost 20 an if i got marred sooner i would have not made it …i grew up aroud a lot of women and i love a stroong woman ..i saw my mom work miracles ..i grew up thinkign if i did everthing to help a woman out things wil;l go better fr me as a husband …wrong …i cook, , i work in computer but i am very handy aroud teh hosue as well ( mr Home depo) i can iron , wash , clean wahtever u need i will do …does this mean that i have a perfect life …? my wife throws her stlf into sex caseu her husb helps hell no i cam to realize it soes matter how much a guy does a woman will always have a reson why the don get the animalistic urges we do ? hell that is the ONE job i want my wife to be great at ? difficult huh…and u would think most other women would understand but fella they stick togther ALWAYS ? A man can win no matter what …there is notheing i cant do fr my self ( besides birthing kids ) but women u have an excue under all circumstances ..sex decreases in amariage and i work 2 times as hard and My wife still has excuses ..fellas keep doing yall caseu eveni f u diod what they told u there would still be a excusee
total, baloney. Cheatting is nothing more than a lack of integrity, personal fortitude and character. There is no such thing as “in the heat of the moment”, Animals do that. If one cannot control themselves and thier actions, and have to get caught up in the heat of the moment.They need to be caged and sedated like any other wild animal. Cheating is’nt a mistake, it takes forthought and planning. Stumbling over a crack in the side walk is a mistake, picking up a pen instead of a pencil is a mistake. Taking your clothes off and having sex with someone else when you have made a promise to be monogamouse to your spouse is a delibrate act, not a mistake. People DO NOT fall in and out of love. They fall in and out of infatuation, lust, etc….Relationships and people do not change, we CHOOSE not to see things due to lust, infatuation etc in the beginings of our relationships, eventually , those things come to the surface, cause they were always there to begin with.
There are such things as big mistakes, “divorce” is the acceptance of a rather large mistake that takes years to take place, realize, and resolve.
In the end what separates us from wild animals? Are we not more or less the same as them? We think “oh, we have thoughts and they don’t” but what is to say that animals don’t have complex thoughts that dictate their actions?
Human beings have instincts as well and we mask them in what we like to call “complex thoughts.” At the end of the day, our indiscretion can be chalked up to our instincts pushing us to procreate.
I don’t want to sound callous, and I truly do believe in love, but from another angle could we perceive the institution of love as a way to control overpopulating. One cheating female could dupe the wrong man into taking care of a child. One cheating male could impregnate multiple women and leave on unable to support herself.
People do succumb to lust, it’s in every book ever written, even Greek gods had indiscretions and killed each other over it. I’m an optimist about it that we are supposed to fall for one person, but we make the mistake of falling for someone who is right there rather that just plain right. Perhaps, the mistake isn’t taking your clothes off and passionately violating the sanctity of a monogamous relationship, but rather being in the monogamous relationship that drove you to lust after another. The 80/20 rule is a good rule, but perhaps there can be a 100/0 ratio somewhere in the world.
Otherwise, the 80/20 rule just shows us mankind’s true colours!
This is a good one
People are always looking for excuses for cheating. Since men who cheat are so great at finding good excuses for cheating they need to start looking for someone to blame or even more excuses when they catch an STD and even HIV. People who are always after asses and people with low self esteem always agree that it is okay to cheat because they’re HUMAN. Give me break.
so, start being creative when you catch a disease hopefully that will open cheaters’ eyes.
@Hackett
There is
20 gives 80.
80 gives 20 with whom you are living now.
@travismagazine
Nice explanation.
percent is one word… doesn’t anyone proof read these days?
In journalism it’s two words, thanks for playing.
Sometimes love, honesty, respect, loyalty and support through hard times is just not enough. Otherwise my boyfriend wouldnt have left me for another woman.
@todesfuge It do not take a mastermind to know we all all human but it takes a unjust mind to justify that is why people cheat. It is mind over matter and we as human know better. 80/20 or not cheating is hurtful and if a person do not want the good with the bad they should stay single to avoid being characterize in that catagory of cheating. If we truely love someone we would considered there feeling and how cheating would affect them. Because we are human does that mean we are meant to hurt another human with our own weak minds? I think the different.
Ugh. I wish I had been around to read this article. I didn’t cheat or anything but I’m beginning to think the break up I instigated months ago might have been a mistake and I don’t know what to do. Accept it, I guess.
this article is extremely accurate in my opinion,i wouldnt have thrown away a 90 percent good relatioship had i known what lay ahead
Same applies to a Man – same thing he did to get that woman he should do the same or better to keep her.
Some of these comments really make me giggle.. Here’s my spin on it:
People change so does our taste style and values, the saying suggests behind every successful man is a women. Why do you think that is? Because man works hard to be the best to wow the women and this is why people cheat.
What we liked at 21 may no longer work for us at 31 so why waste another 10 years when you are not happy. We are only here once, this is no dress rehearsal enjoy every day.
Now as for the 80/20 rule if you are not getting what you need in your relationship get it elsewhere. If you didn’t have the answer to a question would you look elsewhere… Of course you would!! This has nothing to do with being weak this is about enjoying the precious time we have.
Cheating on a occ or spouse can leave a painful scare. After 23 yrs of marriage, my spouce and I went through a divorce in 2009. And the reason why, my spouse (husband) was doing four child support payments. The five women that he was cheating with are being tested each year for HIV. I thank God each day that I was smart enough to ask him to wear a condom or stop having sex with all to gather, because I am not on of the HIV Five(5).
I totally agree with you i dont think it has nothing to do with a man falier also of course and for me of course a relationship is about thick and thin and through tough times and these tough times are stuff you can get really get over of course always thats what makes a long relationship last always of course Love all always Christine Kelly
Some people just can’t resist it and they just fall into it. This is really the thing here around. I hope it won’t happen to me again. :)
Could someone help me. I’m a woman that messed up bad, by going straight for the 20. My 80 truly has my heart and i love him to death. Any suggestion on how to gain the 80 back? I cheated on him twice, and it really ment nothing. I just did it without thinking.
Yahoo.com mail
Thank you for writing about the 80/20 rule! I am in that situation and reading this article made me feel so much better about the situation! I was feeling terribly guilty about my crush, but you are certainly right that my crush fills that 20% I am needing and currently arguing about with my 80% lover! Now I will be able to hang out and remember that it is not worth risking 20% for my for sure 80% guy.
Why hasn’t anyone pointed out that this has nothing to do with the 80/20 rule?
The 80/20 rule, also known as Pareto’s Principle, is the idea that 80% of your results come from 20% of the effort. For example, in a business 80% of profits would come from 20% of the costumers. The idea is that pinpoint that 20% and try to magnify it to yield more results. This relationship business is nonsense.
I am pretty sure that the 80/20 rule, WHEN YOU TRANSLATE IT FROM FINANCES would be somewhere along the lines of, 20% of guys get 80% of all the action. Just saying, because this article has nothing to do with the 80/20 rule, other than the fact that someone thought it would be clever to use it as a name.
my ex and i were together 11 years with 2 children, i mowed the grass, cleaned the house, took care of his mother and other of HIS family members, took care of the kids , cooked, all the things without being asked of me and had everything ready for him when he got home so he could hunt and fish. He was more than happy for me to stay at home and have his girlfriend but when i found out about the girlfriend i was done but karma is a bitch because as soon as I was out of the picture and she was doing the laundry , dishes and cooking she wasnt as appealing as before didnt even last 6 months before she was cheating on him I wish all you cheaters would just leave us good people alone and cheat on each other
I hate hearing excuses, people cheat simply because they got into a relationship for the wrong reasons…. If you truly love the one you are with you will fight to keep the love in the relationship, if u can’t feel loved back then GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! It’s not about getting caught or not, if you are single then you don’t have to worry about lies and getting caught…. Cheating is a cowardly way of having your cake and eating it too
AMEN!! To that!
wow right now i am in the same position i let my husband down and started seeing someone else behind his back but as i write this i think the guilt is staring to set.
the 20 guy,he is into things that i love and listens very well.he is a gentle soul who cares about how i feel and always asks if i am good or not and he is single looking for a relationship .
then my husband he does not listen to me, he ignores me unless he wants sex then he will pay attention to me.when he gets from work he does not talk much or ask how was my day and when he is sad and i notice that i ask whats wrong he wont say a thing i have to make him talk with force to open up to me.when it comes to my dreams doing things that i love he shuts down completely and he does not reply or he says its a waste of time.we never went out together to a public place and show that we are a couple and when we do go out he walks 20 feet ahead of me like we are not together. i am starting to think that maybe he is ashamed that he married me and i am black he is Indian.
the thing that got to me the other night, he told me we must go get take aways and i was happy that finally he is changing but when we got there he told me to wait in the car.it sinked in that he does not want to be seen with me in public the resturant was a Indian resturant. i am excusing me cheating on him but what am i to do.
I think when you make a commitment to someone it is your responsiblity to own up to that commitment, you stick it out you tell your partner if your unhappy ..in my relationship he wasn’t honest with me and he was misleading her too…its not hard for a men/women to stay faithful i feel if you love that person enough it can happend…..
I’d like to think it would be that a man or woman is just not that into you – from experience i’d say a man will always either be into you or not.
In a relationship where he doesnt feel she’s the ‘one’ – he’ll always seek the 80%……by that i mean a woman that stops him seeking elsewhere – a woman that stops his search for that extra 20% – and unless you are that one – then just know he aint never gonna settle enough to stop searching for more than what you are to him.
Women faulter by thinking that every man she dates is the ‘one’ – and that pattern in a woman needs to stop, that way she’d be able to see the bad and good from the offset and not be faulted by love blinkers!
& it could save a hella lot of heart ache.
Humans have the ability to be 100% faithful, loyal and dedicated, they just have to be with the right person, in the right time in the right place!
Its really simple. One thing I have noticed – you can date a guy a while, then realise that he has no interest in you whatsoever, and you can try everything under the sun to make him look at you – need you – want you – the bottom line is if he aint into you there aint no catching and keeping!!!! move on! …. in a world of perfection & option, there’ll always be that 20% people seek. everyone deserves love & someone they can be confidently loyal with :)…its just a matter of finding the right one for you…
Hummmmm……Try someone you know screw your husband right in front of your face..then come into your house like they just meet for the the very first time..all yeah but that’s ok..What goes around come around..Play wit it!!!!! You started it..But that’s all right..Aid’s Love Everybody..Do i forgive you no..But maybe one day..
I first heard of 80/20 while watching Tyler Perry’s movie. Like many people here my relationship ended due to cheating. He didn’t close his FB page and I read the messages. According to her messages she was feeling the same way. Tired of taking it and assuming there was another woman. Of course I sent her a message but I am sure he lied his way out of it. Painful thing is when I found out of course he denied it but then he admitted loving her and said he just was not sure who to choose so he kept cheating. So was there something missing in the relationship that allowed him become emotionally available to another woman? Who knows. I cried, I am still in a lot of pain. I made him move out and of course that is where he is. I do believe that I am the 80% and the lack of the 20% is why he strayed. I said the grass is greener on the other side he said no the grass is greener where you water it. That is EXACTLY why I don’t cheat. I water the grass where I am. But in some twisted way I guess that is the reason why he cheats. He does not water the grass here and does not like how it looks. So he falls in love with other women.
The desire to satisfy ones sexual urges sometimes over clouds the things that partners need to do in order to maintain a healthy relationship….our wants are often confused as needs,”I want to have sex with my boyfriend to connect further or my girlfriend has to sleep with me for me to see if she really is into me” are amongst the other reasons why I say that society forces people to maintain the 20percent when the 80percent(the affection) is gone in a relationship….if I know that instead of me and my partner sorting out our issues or whatever I can always jump into bed with him and shrug the whole thing off and leave it hanging over us like a cloud and move on like nothing has happened then automatically that leaves us with no room to fix whatever it is that’s broken in the 80 but to focus more on this 20 that seems to work
I have read all the comments and i don’t believe there is one specific reason why a person will cheat. I have not seen anyone mention cheating because of lack of self esteem the desire to feel loved and needed due to absent love growing up as a child
But here is the catch, i understand when you are getting 80 and then you look for someone else for the 20 percent, but what happends when the person with the 20 percent, actually has the other 80 too? Now im not only getting he same 80 percent that i had but im also getting the 20 percent that i wasnt getting resulting in complete happiness because now i have 100 percent of my needs and wants.
@brownsugar
I know your man/husband loves you. You think just like a man does and I wish there were more women out here that understands exactly what you mean. That is 100% true.
@Mister
I like that!!!!!
Awesome piece of information.and I like your closing remark. . .dont throw away a good thing for a new piece of ass.
i thnk m part of d 20, im falling for ds married guy. Hes handsome & hs a beautiful smile. Oh man, say no more abt personality..hes d best. Without his precense im lost, lonely & blah blah u name em. Im stranded, dnt knw wat 2 do :’(
What you think might be a good thing it not , is it worth losing every thing once it’s broken you might not be able to fix it.